Thursday, December 5, 2013

My journey...

I had Lapband surgery to help me lose weight 4 yrs ago, I recently received an email from another bander on how she is really struggling right now with the entire process. I can completely relate. 

Here is my email back to her...
"The battle continues. 
I hear you loud and clear. 
I was thinking, as a professional photographer I have made a conscious choice NOT to shoot fashion. The reason is that the imagery that saturates the world is of thin younger people, or very healthy active older people. 
So here we are faced with feeling fat, and old. 
So much so that we resort to cutting into our own bodies and modifying what G-d gave us. And it seems realistic an appropriate? 

However, we don't have options to change our G-d given personalities? How far will this go? Will a procedure come available that will involve changing our personalities? Manipulating our brains either physically or chemically? At one time depression was treated by cutting out pieces of the brain AND electrical shock to the brain...electricity to the brain is still used today in extreme cases and is helpful. 

My point is, the battle is long and hard, we are saturated with "propaganda" that leads us to believe that we SHOULD be different? The world has seen this before, and it wasn't pretty. 

So, how do we get to place where we feel ok about ourselves? To feel that we are ok in what ever form we are in? 
I find myself seeing imagery everywhere I go that reminds me of how fat I am and how I had to resort to surgery to help me. I feel like people might think "it's not gonna work don't waist your time or money" and then u experience various levels of success. It doesn't really create an environment of openness, in fact, it causes the closet feeling. 

In hindsight, I probably could've done my weight loss journey without the band and experienced the exact same result, however, I wouldn't have felt that without having the experience of the band. Expensive lesson. 

I don't have any regrets, I've learned so much about myself and how strong (and weak) I am, how capable I am of change (or lack there of), and how much I really struggle with my own identity. 

The band in a weird way is similar to food, it's sometimes a temporary feel good like healthy foods, but it often returns to the chocolate cake! Bottom line is, we make the choice to grab the chocolate cake. 
I hear your struggle, I'm in the same boat. 

Honestly I could load you up with all the fluff that I'm here for you, the reality is, I feel like I'm drowning as well and I don't see any clear path to the shore. I feel like i have to learn to swim. But I suspect even then I'll never make the shore, I'll just enjoy the circles. I digress."